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All reviews - TV Shows (5) - Games (4)

Final Fantasy XIII...

Posted : 2 years, 10 months ago on 4 August 2014 06:05 (A review of Final Fantasy XIII)

I know it's been said 1000 times before and I know that many have said it better than me, but this game SUCKS.

Okay okay. I have reasons for this. I'm not just blindly hating the game. In fact, I completed this game 100% (got the platinum trophy twice). For a game itself it's not the worst thing I've ever played, but for a Final Fantasy game it's a disgrace.

First of all I suggest you watch The Spoony Experiment's review on FFXIII (it's on youtube and on his website) He has a lot of the same complaints I do about the game. He is also very funny and interesting. With that said, I absolutely HATE the story in this game. It makes little to no sense. Half of it is just random concepts that were pulled straight out of the writers ass such as nonsensical terms like l'cie, pulse l'cie, and fal'cie. The other half is a bunch of whining between the characters.

It's common knowledge that Final Fantasy always had stories that were convoluted and stupid like this, but it was NEVER this bad. To sum it up, there are six characters. They all get cursed with this evil power that makes them somewhat stronger. The tradeoff is they have to fulfill their focus in the allotted time or else they turn into zombies. The problem with this is they don't know what their focus is because they are never told by the fal'cie or demi-gods what that focus may be. Why? Well fuck you, that's why.

Seriously. They give you the lamest excuse why they can't tell you. Something about the fal'cie being far too complex for the human mind to understand. WTF? To make it worse about halfway through the game we meet a fal'cie that can speak to humans perfectly fine. So the fal'cie send you on this important mission that they want done or else they will make you into a zombie, but they won't tell you what that mission is. However, they are perfectly capable of just opening their mouth and explaining it to you. Oh and you know what the reward for fulfilling your focus is? Being turned into a crystal. Geez a shot to the head sounds like a better way to go.

I know I'm missing a lot of detail here, but I'm not going to spoil it in case you actually want to play this load of horsecrap.

What most people complained about is the combat. "It's all auto battle.", "It's too easy.", and "You can play it by mashing the X buttom.". And you know what? They are all true claims.

The combat is painfully boring. Okay to be fair, you kind of have to try by changing your paradigms which is like your characters class or role. You get six basic roles.

Commando - Physical Attack, used to slow down the stagger bar from falling and doing damage once staggered.

Ravager - Mage like role where you build up the stagger bar so that you can do more damage to a monster.

Sentinel - Defender. Does nothing aside from soaking damage.

Medic - Standard RPG healer.

Synergist - Buffs the party with beneficial spells.

Saboteur - Debuffs enemy party with negative effects.

You can mix and match your party compositions. Like if you want to have some Defense and attack you can go SEN/COM/RAV or COM/MED/RAV. Or if you want to buff up and heal you could go SYN/MED/SYN or SYN/MED/MED. Making combinations was a little fun. I'll grant you that.

You also get some special moves that can't be used with auto-battle and you'll have to manually select such as Lightning's Army of One or summons, but it's really all the same crap.

In the end you're not the one fighting the battle. Your characters are. You just sit there and watch as they slowly take out the enemy's HP. It's boring, but it can be occasionally flashy to watch. Some actually claim it's hard. This is entirely false. Nothing about this game is challenging. If you want a challenge go play anything before XIII.

The other major complaint about the game is that it's linear. After playing the game for over 200 hours (on two separate play-throughs)I can say this is partially true. The game is pretty much one big hallway, but towards the last few chapters there is a lot to do on the side world. And if you are a fan of grinding games like me, then you'll probably have fun with all the marked missions, although that's about as far as the exploration and depth goes. This is no Kingdom Hearts, nor FFX, nor is it on par with many JRPGs content.

The graphics are (or should I say 'were' giving that this is now a four year old game) pretty good, but nothing you haven't seen before. Graphics don't make the game and they sure as hell don't make a bad one any better.

The music is OK, but honestly Final Fantasy I-X (not counting the MMOs) had much better music thanks to Nobuo Uematsu because he's pretty much a Japanese Mozart.

But what really, and I mean REALLY makes me mad about all this is the fact that they made a franchise out of this! I could forgive Square for making a mistake, but DON'T keep making the same mistake over and over again. Final Fantasy XIII-2 and Lighting returns FFS. I heard a rumor that they might even make another game in the XIII world. Please no! I beg you Square! Make a new game! Move on! You made a mistake, now move on. Don't try to justify it by making more crappy games about it.

Well with my personal opinions aside. Final Fantasy XIII and all of it's two sequels sold well worldwide. Sad really.


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American Dad! review

Posted : 2 years, 11 months ago on 28 July 2014 05:22 (A review of American Dad!)

I hear a lot of mixed reviews about this over the internet. Some have said it's way better than Family Guy, Some say it's sub par to Family Guy, and some just say it's just as bad as Family Guy.

I believe this is just as good as family guy. No worse. No better. There are some better episodes of Family Guy and there are some better episodes of American Dad. I've watched Family Guy first, so I'm not being biased. The Cleaveland show on the other hand wasn't nearly as good.

It's a matter of preference. In a lot of ways this is very similar to family guy. Dumb husband, hot wife, misunderstood teenage girl, nerdy dunce son. The only big difference is the Alien and the Fish vs. the baby and the dog.


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King of the Hill review

Posted : 3 years ago on 22 June 2014 09:52 (A review of King of the Hill)

It's a love or hate kind of show. Some love it some hate it. I mostly love it, although I will say it's not as funny as Beavis and Butthead.

The ignorance of Hank always baffled me. His friends are just plain dumb on the other hand. His son is awkward and strange. His wife is a know it all bitch. Dale's Wife is a no good whore. John Redcorn is kind of a scumbag. His grandfather is just an old fart who retells his old war stories a thousand times over.

The Souphanousinphone's (yes I had to look that up) are mostly racist and non-trusting of other races. Aside from the daughter who is fairly nice. John Redcorns Biological son or Dales step son is a friend of Bobby who usually looks down on him (And really can you blame him). And last but not least is the skankyist skank of all time: Luanne. I know it sounds like I'm being sexist with the women, but really go watch the show if you don't believe me.

Overall it's a good team for a comedy. But get ready to hear the phrases: Redneck, Trailer Park Trash, White Trash, and Texans a LOT.


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Beavis and Butt-Head review

Posted : 3 years ago on 22 June 2014 09:36 (A review of Beavis and Butt-Head)

Huh huh huh huh. Hey Beavis, your dumb.

Heh heh heh heh. Shut up Butt Head!

You can't ever get us to score.

Butt-head, is it normal for the inside of your bunghole to itch?

Dammit Beavis, you just sent my boner to the ground.



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Family Guy review

Posted : 3 years ago on 22 June 2014 09:29 (A review of Family Guy)

Who the hell doesn't like this show? Oh wait, yeah I forgot about the prudes, but still it's great. I mean you have to be a commie to watch through any given episode and not laugh even a little.

Sure it might be a rip off of The Simpsons, but it's a better rip off. From day one to present day they've been making top quality episodes. Can't say that about The Simpsons.

I mean Seth MacFarlane is a funny guy. He knows how to take almost any situation and make it funny. He is among one of the few comedy writers that can do that aside from Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

Sure it's mostly dick and fart jokes, but let's face it: that's the kind of humor that most people like.


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Monster review

Posted : 3 years ago on 22 June 2014 08:57 (A review of Monster)

Not bad. Not great. Very slow. It was hard to get into versus other animes I've watched. The plot definitely was not worth the length of 70+ episodes. It's a lot of chasing around the bad guy kind of thing.

It is, however, very unique so I guess it gets bonus points for that. Can't say I've watched many animes that took place in Germany let alone Europe.


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999: Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors review

Posted : 3 years ago on 22 June 2014 08:46 (A review of 999: Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors)

First off I'd like to say that this game is AMAZING. It is like a reincarnation of an old school point and click game mixed with a visual novel. This is very rare to see nowadays since most adventure games have evolved into action games, RPGs, shooters, survival horrors, etc. But damn this game is so awesome!

The story is fast paced and interesting. You always want to see what's gonna happen next to the characters. Everything is at stake for them including their lives and to make matters worse they are limited by time (9 hours as the title implies) and no matter what you do someone is going to die (But who?).

The game offers 5 different endings. All which are worth seeing. The goal is to get the best one which the only way to do so is to see one of the bad endings and then you will get the good one.

While it's not heavy on gameplay the stuff you do is pretty fun. You have to solve puzzles usually relating to escaping a room or finding a clue that will lead your characters to draw a solution. It's mostly just pointing n' tapping with the stylus with a few mini-games.

However, don't expect this to be a puzzle game. The puzzles are just there to give yourself more details about the story. If you are looking for a game with complex puzzles then you've come to the wrong place.

The music is excellent and the sounds are great. Unfortunately there are no voices. It's all text. Just a fair warning. There will also be some translation errors, but it shouldn't bother you unless you are a grammar nazi.

The graphics are mostly still images, which again might bother some. However, they still manage to look great and the backgrounds are very realistic (at least for a DS game) The controls also work great to aside from some hiccups here and there.

Over this is a great game and if you own a DS and like adventure games then you must play this at least once. It's worth the 20 bucks for sure. Also if you like this game there is a sequel called Zero's Escape: Virtues Last Reward for the PSP Vita and the 3DS. Sadly, I don't own either one so I can't speak for the sequel.


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Sanitarium review

Posted : 3 years ago on 22 June 2014 08:21 (A review of Sanitarium)

I played through it all and wasn't really impressed. It's still a decent adventure game, but I could really never get into the story. It just felt like a cluster fuck of ideas. The Max segments would good, but the cyclops, little girl, and Aztec felt out of place. If the game was more like the first two chapters I would have better things to say about it.

Idk to me it still doesn't hold a candle to games like King's Quest, Police Quest, Space Quest, Phantasmagoria 1 and 2, Harvester and all of the Lucas Arts point and click games. And yes I take into account that Phantasmagoria 2 and Harvester were both really out there. At least they had a consistent theme and a lot of laugh out loud moments to keep me going.

If you are a point and click adventure fan I would still recommend playing it from GOG as it is rather easy and short. The puzzles aren't too challenging. The conversations were decent as well.


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Shenmue II review

Posted : 3 years ago on 8 June 2014 03:39 (A review of Shenmue II)

It makes me mad when a company could release a game with such a great story and just leave it at a cliff hanger ending. I mean what happens after the end? You can't do that. It would be like if star wars stopped after the second movie and we never got to see what happened to Han Solo. It would of made millions of people upset. The only differences there is Star Wars had the sales to warrant another squeal.

Even so, Sega is lazy. They could probably make more money off of a sequel to this game rather than making another shity sonic game no one wants to play. Yu Suzuki needs to get off his ass and do something people actually want. I guess the Yakuza games make up for it, but still at least just make a third game so we can put this story to rest.


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